Why is My Child so Angry?
Parenting is hard work. Sometimes meeting basic needs, like food on the table, clean clothes and children and making sure that everyone is getting a good night’s sleep is all we can manage. But life is more than just meeting basic needs. Learning how to deal with emotions and handle them in a comfortable way is the work of a lifetime. One questions that parents often ask is why is my child so angry?
What is Anger?
Anger and frustration are related. According to Psychology Today—
“Anger is one of the basic human emotions, as elemental as happiness, sadness, anxiety, or disgust. These emotions are tied to basic survival and were honed over the course of human history. Anger is related to the “fight, flight, or freeze” response of the sympathetic nervous system; it prepares humans to fight. But fighting doesn’t necessarily mean throwing punches.“
Anger in our children
I find that in young children much of the anger that is expressed is because of frustration. As they develop, often time their minds move faster than their physical ability. They may really want to walk but keep stumbling. Or they are trying to communicate through speech, but we don’t get what they are trying to say.
As our children age they will become more and more themselves, but the need to communicate effectively will still be paramount. Their thoughts and needs become more and more complex. As puberty hits the physical side of things comes into play. I remember when my son was 12. He told me, “Mom I feel angry all the time and I don’t even know why.”
What to do in the face of anger
It is easy to write someone else’s anger off as simply irrational. To make things worse, in this culture we tend to negate the feelings of children. However, children are simply learning to be adults and the way we treat them now has a direct impact on the future.
Trauma coach and parent Katerina Barron says, “All our emotions are a signal that we need something and anger specifically. . . , anger specifically is saying that a boundary has been crossed. Anger is the language of this is not OK. Anger is the language of injustice. But when you don’t listen to the anger as something positive like ‘It’s trying to tell me something that I need,’ that needs to be met or if you do listen and you say hey this is what I need, but then that need goes unmet for so long then it just festers and then you end up taking it out on other people.”
Pretty powerful words! In the case of young children, they need help in their development. Their frustrations over limited mobility or communication is short lived. But it falls to the parents to take care to help them. Do as much as you can to make their growth easier. For mobility issues, most parents already help their children with walking, by holding their hands. For Communitication some children naturally develop hand signals. Other families teach their children simple sign language so that they can communicate earlier. But just doing your best to understand what they are trying to communicate shows that you are interested in what they have to say.
In the case of my tween son, several things were going on. He had more complex feelings and emotions. He was having a hard time understanding and putting into words to communicate what was going on. But also he wanted more respect and responsibility. He wanted more say in his life and wanted to be consulted about family decisions where appropriate.
Communication versus Labels
Communication is key to any relationship. Communication always starts with ourselves. First, we must understand what is going on in our own bodies and minds. But Barron warns, “Labels can be really helpful because they promote self-awareness and language can be so powerful in helping us understand ourselves. But when we use these binaries of language like good-bad, right- wrong that is where it’s very unhelpful. So how I choose to label emotions is like comfortable or uncomfortable.”
Anger is a Natural Signal (i.e. Anger is OK)
Barron sums up, “Children naturally express anger, they naturally express frustration. Frustration and anger is like one of those like first emotions and sadness. The first emotions that they can express, because they’re simple. Like anger, frustration and sadness. When they’re teeny, tiny, little babies and we very quickly send the message which ones are OK and which ones are not OK. So, if we can step out of the way. If as parents we can let them know that their anger, their frustration, their sadness and their delight are all OK. We end up raising children who know what they want and know what they need and know how to communicate that.”
I would add that when we raise our children to understand that all emotions are Ok and natural, and are actually signals of what is going on our lives, they will be more empathetic and able to understand these signals in others. Once we understand what the signals mean then we can go about being the change that needs to happen.
“I think all anger is a healthy expression of anger. Until they’re taught otherwise. So when their needs go unmet, in their anger that’s when it like turns and it turns either on the people around them and they start blaming other people for their anger or they turn it internalized towards themselves.”
