Boundaries for Parents
Boundaries is not something that we typically think about having to set with our young children. I mean who really wants to think about boundaries when they are cuddling a new born. But after nearly 20 years of parenting I have realized that boundaries for parents are an important part of self-care and therefore the ability to parent effectively.
Difficulties when setting Boundaries
There are 2 things that make boundaries very difficult on our parenting journey–
- That the relationship is constantly changing as our children grow and age.
- There is an epidemic of parents who are completely unaware of boundary issues that they likely have sustained in their own development process.
Disfunction in Parents
I will begin by talking about the 2nd issue.
I am currently reading Eastern Body Western Mind: Pyschology and the Chakra System as a Path to Self by Anodea Judith. In it she states that our culture is epidemic with people who have not gotten their basic needs met as children. This contributes to a dysfunctional chakra system and lack of knowledge about how and when to set personal boundaries. For the purpose of this article I will focus on only the first chakra.
Our first chakra begins developing in utero and traumatic birth experiences can set the stage for a lack of development at this level. I was talking with my great aunt about her childbirth experience in the 1950s. She was describing how she was strapped down to a table, medicated until she had no idea what was going on and woke up with her baby gone. Of course, they did bring the baby in occasionally but only to teach her how to change diapers and bottle feed. She said of the experience, “It was really the dark ages.”
My generation saw an influx of daycare facilities. While there are many great childcare centers that fill real needs, this inconsistency in care givers can also damage a child’s ability to ground and develop the 1st chakra.
When I had my own children there was a movement called NINO (Nine In Nine Out) that promoted the idea that the gestational period for human babies was actually 18 months, 9 in and 9 out. During the “out” period the baby was not yet aware that they were separate from the mother. Thise period was designed to gently help the child learn that they are safe and can be provided for by caregivers other their mother.
Do you have Chakra issues?
Chances are as a parent you likely have some lower chakra issues. To this point I have only talked about Chakra 1. Chakra 2 development also begins in infancy and stretches through to year 3 in most children. This is the stage of the “terrible 2’s” where the child begins to realize that they are separate and that terrifies them. They oscillate between needing parental guidance and comfort and wanting to assert their own personhood. This can be completely exhausting for parents, especially when you also have chakra development to work on.
The Good News
The good news is that even if you missed some of these developmental milestones (note: you most likely did) you can still go back and reparent yourself and focus on working through this developmental piece as part of your personal growth.
When adults experience issues with their 1st chakra they will have difficulty feeling safe. Reactions to their sense of safety can be strong and severe as in fight or flight, or they can withdraw and let others literally walk all over them as in fawn.
When the 2nd chakra is compromised our sense of self can be nonexistent. We don’t feel we have a right to our own feelings and needs. This can especially be damaging as parents because we pour ourselves into the parenting journey. We want to give our children everything we didn’t have. But if we don’t feel that we have a right to our own feelings and needs we may not be be able to fill our own reserves. We have basically created a closed system with all energy flowing towards our child and none to refill us.
As our children age this flow of energy can cause issues. I have found my children are better at getting their needs met then I am. I often don’t notice how depleted I am until I feel I am in crisis mode. Reading this book has helped me be more intentional about reparenting myself and working with my own boundaries so that I can continue to help my children on their human development of the chakras.
Working with herbs helps me ground myself, set appropriate boundaries and open myself to connection to larger energy sources. One key herb for that is St. John’s Wort. Summer Solstice is a great time to work with this plant.
Gentle Ways to Set Boundaries
Abigail Adams was the wife of one president and mother of a 2nd. She was a well educated woman who encouraged the founding father’s to “remember the women”–advice they mostly ignored. In any case she was the mother or a large and bustling household.
I heard somewhere that when she had a sense of overwhelm she would throw her apron over her head. When she did that all the children knew to stop immediately what they were doing and leave their mother alone.
I have often thought I should take up wearing aprons. Kidding aside here are some gentle ways to set boundaries–
- Have bathroom time be your time. I know when I had an infant and toddler, even this was hard, but try as much as you can to make your time in the bathroom off limits.
- Communicate with your partner and make a schedule. Ask for a period of time to refill each day, in not each day definitely each week.
- If necessary ask for outside help. Having other people available who can step in when needed is great.
- Focus first on necessities–i.e. sleep. Self-care starts with sleep, being well hydrated and nourished. When these needs are met then try some more fun activities.
Don’t forget this is a Marathon
A runner would not expect to run a marathon without sleep, water, or food. They would not try to push their bodies without training.
You are in a marathon. You will be parenting for the rest of your life. Believe me when I say your kids will always need you. But you cannot give your child what you don’t have. Make sure to take care of yourself first. Boundaries keep everyone safe.
