Raising Kids Who Say No
One of my parenting goals is to raise children who know when and how to say no. Here is why you should also practice raising kids who say no.
One time we were at church. It was practice for a family wedding. My 3-year-old had run into the balcony. I called her down. She said, “no.” My family was appalled. Little did they know I actually enjoy raising kids who say no.
It all began when I was a young parent. Looking back, I realized that I had grown up in a pretty sheltered environment. I didn’t know anything about the scary statistics about how many children experience abuse (physical, sexual and emotional). I also didn’t know that children who experience this trauma are more likely to repeat patterns of abuse and lose their sense of self.
At the same time a friend began posting all sorts of articles on social media about how we should encourage our children to have boundaries. We need to validate the ones they express and allow them to say no. More than that we should encourage them to say no. Here’s why, how, and when.
Why they should say no
They are growing a sense of autonomy. When a child is born they are temporarily shocked to be in a completely new environment. However, they do not yet know that they are a separate person from their mother. Over the next couple of months, this will eventually become apparent to them. Around the age of 2 they have definitely realized that they are separate from their mother and they love discovering the boundaries. This is where “no” comes in.
It is important at this point that we protect these boundaries and allow them to develop into a full sense of self. Many parents take the short-sighted approach of working towards gaining compliance in their children. They want to be able to tell their children to do something and know that it is done. So they set about squashing the no, and their children’s boundaries.
But this autonomy is actually really important for them to maintain healthy boundaries, knowing when to say no and knowing when they don’t like something or someone.
How we protect the No
Another alternative to squashing the no is allowing the child autonomy in age appropriate ways such as allowing them to pick their own clothes. If you don’t want all their clothes on the floor you could give them 2 or 3 options and let them pick from among them. This same method can be used with picking meals or snacks.
Another key is allowing them to say no to you when it is appropriate. Like when they do not want a hug or kiss.
When around extended family you need to be extra careful that your child’s boundaries are protected. Stand up for your child if family won’t .
What the no does
Another really important way to protect the no is allowing children to have some say in who is caring for them. I know that they will almost always choose mom, but if they have a caregiver that they really don’t like listen to them.
This doesn’t always mean that there is something wrong it just allows them to express their needs and comfort level.
I am not very good at potty training. I actually kind of just let the kids tell me when they are ready for the toilet. Normally this happens around 4. But even at 2 and 3 they had preferences about who would change them–i.e. me and only me. One time I remember coming home from an appointment an hour away. I had been gone all afternoon and the 2-year-old came to hug me at the door and tell me to change her diaper. Even younger than this I was careful to give my children privacy when changing their diaper. At home it was less of an issue, but when you out at larger family gatherings I made sure to change them in private.
Allowing children the ability to protect themselves in age appropriate ways will allow them to set up boundaries that protect them into adulthood.
Allowing our own no
If you are finding any of this triggering, chances are that you were not allowed to say no as a kid. I am a people pleaser. No is a hard one for me. Yet it has gotten me in some serious trouble over the years. If you have found yourself in a situation where you have people in your life that you do not want, chances are you might have some work to do protecting your own no. This is part of the pleasure and pain of parenting–knowing where you need to do your own personal growth.
