Should I Apologize to My Child?
She stands there, hair rumpled, chocolate in the corner of her mouth and a little bit on the collar of her shirt. Her hip is cocked. The glare in her eyes cannot hide the tears that are welling up. In a matter of moments, you have crushed her with your carelessness. The only thing to do is engage the art and magic of the apology.
As we rush through our parenting journey it can be very easy to forget that the day to day (and night to night) cares that so overwhelm us when our children are young will very, very quickly become years. Before you know it that indignant 2-year-old I just described is an indignant 16-year-old.
Parenting challenges us in ways we never thought possible. Here is your shadow moving and breathing. I once told my husband, “It is very hard to discipline your child when you know exactly where they got it.” They got it from me, in case I wasn’t being clear enough.
Raising Souls
But you are not simply doing shadow work, you are raising a soul. Dr. Edward Bach, founder of Bach Flower Essences, says,
“Be it remembered that the child for whom we may become a temporary guardian may be a much older and greater soul than ourselves, and spiritually our superior, so that control and protection should be confined to the needs of the young personality.”
Strong words and you have just lost it over spilled milk. While it is important to remember that you are not raising little adults, you are raising souls that will be adults. In this case it would be best to model some very adult behavior. Saying “I am Sorry.”
How to Apologize
These simple words have a varied meaning depending on our intention behind them. The ability to truly see a mistake you have made, own it, and acknowledge it to another person is an incredibly humbling experience. Now imagine giving a heartfelt and sincere apology to a 2-year-old.
This is where the art and magic of the apology comes in. But only if we are truly willing to accept that we have messed up. Some apologies are self-deprecating, bordering on passive aggression. Real growth for us and our children demands a clearer lens.
Communication is the Heart of Any Relationship
Acknowledging and communicating when we have messed up is a key to communication. This is no different in the parent/child relationship. When we apologize for wronging our child and make steps to improve the situation, we are modeling a very important life skill.
3 Keys to a Successful Apology
- Be as immediate as possible. This is not the time to sleep on it. As soon as you realize that you need to apologize (children are pretty good at letting us know through their facial expressions) apologize.
- Be as specific as possible. It doesn’t matter if they will understand or not.
- Give context. This is not making excuses for what went wrong but allowing your child to see the connection between your emotions/feelings and actions. You are also acknowledging that your actions can have a negative impact on their emotions, Example: “Mommy is tired and I let it get the best of me. I should not have yelled please forgive me.” I want to reiterate; this is not making excuses but giving necessary context.
In my own parenting journey, I have seen the fruits of my labor. My oldest will be 18 this year and is planning college and career choices. My youngest is 4 months and just beginning his journey in this life. While a young mother I began apologizing when I knew I had been hurtful and unkind. I got better at it over the years. It is so easy to not want to take responsibility for your actions or try to hide them. But it is actually an incredibly freeing experience. The point is that you understand the need for improvement in your behavior and are willing to own it.
Now I am able to have healthy conversations with my older children. They feel comfortable calling me on my behavior, but are also willing to acknowledge when they need to apologize. They understand that there are underlying circumstances that affect a person’s behavior. Recently my oldest daughter was even able to communicate when she is feeling off from extenuating circumstance. Before she lost her cool, she said, “I am feeling short tempered and tired I think I better rest.”
Along the journey I am so thankful that I began to acknowledge when I let my circumstances get the best of me, even if it meant apologizing to a to 2-year-old.
