Be an Involved Parent without the Hover
The heart of any good relationship is communication. This is the same when we work on our relationship with our children. Being an involved parent is about more than the hover, it is about communicating with our children. This builds trust. When we have their trust, being involved is easy.
What is an Involved Parent?
An involved parent knows their children. They know their hopes and dreams. They are in their children’s confidence and have their trust. This is in contrast to a neglectful parent that spends all their time pursuing their own interests and leaves the child to their own devices. Or the authoritarian parent that has a pre-ordained idea of who and what the child should be and forces them to bend to the will of the parent.
An involved parent can go bad when it turns into a helicopter parent–a hovering parent. This scenario is similar to the authoritarian in that the freedom of the child to grow and develop to find their own path is not honored. The hovering parent wants to be involved to the point of fault and hinders the child’s ability to develop their own standards, morals, dreams and plans.
It’s all about Trust
This is why communication is key. An involved parent will know the importance of communication. Communication is built on sharing our experiences AND listening to theirs. But the first step is owning your experience. The steps to communication include–
- Knowing yourself well enough to know own your experience.
- Be able to communicate it.
- Listen when they share their experience without judgement or jumping in.
A Real World Example
You have been up all night with a fussy baby. Your older children are well rested and exuberant. Instead of blowing up at your children you share, “I have been up all night with the baby. I am tired and cranky. My head hurts. When it is loud it makes me even more cranky. Can you try to be more quiet right now?” This is not a guarantee that they have the capacity to comply but they know that if you get cranky it is not because of them, but because of your experience.
When you have older children the needs are different, but you can still communicate. Of course there are things that you don’t have to (or even should share) with your children about your experiences. But in some cases it can be helpful. For example one of our children was trying to pick out a college. My experience going to a 4-year private college (even with a good scholarship) while good, left me with student loans that I am still paying as my children prepare to go off to college.
I was open about this experience and was able to use it as an example for why I am making the recommendations I am. While many teens may feel that their parents have ulterior motives for recommending a lower priced, in state school, or picking a school that you can live at home while you attending, or working part time and going to school as you can afford it. She knows that these recommendations I am making are coming from my experience for college debt, not an effort to control her.
Do life together
I love to hear about my children’s experiences. I like to know the names of their friends. But I also know that I need down time occasionally. This means I need time to focus on my own interests, passions and pursuits. I often share current projects and things I am studying with my children. This ability to enjoy lives side by side allows us to be involved without the hover.
You are able to honor your experience and their experience and trust that when they need help they will ask for it.
