Alternatives to Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian Parenting has had its hay day. The days of “children should be seen and not heard,” are long gone. And while I have been known to say in exasperation, “Just do it because I said so!” I am not a fan of do as I say parenting, so today I offer you some alternatives.

What is Authoritarian Parenting?

Web MD says,

Authoritarian parenting is an extremely strict parenting style. It places high expectations on children with little responsiveness. As an authoritarian parent, you focus more on obedience, discipline, control rather than nurturing your child. Mistakes tend to be punished harshly and when feedback does occur, it’s often negative.

I think most of us are familiar with some form of this parenting style. Though it probably wasn’t even a “style” per se. This was a necessary tool of survival that had overstayed its welcome by a few thousand years.

Imagine living in a hunter/gatherer society. You would definitely need children that were not heard or seen. Not only was the survival of the child important, but the community knew that it could not survive without children. So children were taught that silence and obedience was not only a virtue but necessary for survival.

There are still situations today when this type of strict adherence to obedience is actually beneficial. But unless your life is at risk, it is safe to say that most of us have better alternatives.

Authoritarian Parenting in the Modern World

This parenting style is currently most associated with religious groups where following the rules and thinking in a unified way are highly value. Honestly, I would say that a lot of parents who are in this group don’t even know the negative effects of what they are doing.

I grew up in a denomination of Christianity with A LOT of rules. The rules were very specific. Things like what you could eat and appropriate activities on a certain day of the week, were some of the most common. But others in my family included cleanliness standards, work ethic and being financially independent. As long as you followed the rules you were welcomed into the group and rewarded with belonging.

None of these things are bad in and of themselves. The problem is that the purpose is to control the behavior of others.

Wait, Shouldn’t We Control Our Kids?

That depends on what your goal in parenting is.

Early in my parenting journey I read (I have since lost the source) that we are not raising dolls. Instead we are raising little adults. One day soon our children will be adults. What kind of adult do we want them to be?

If we want them to listen to others–including their peers–over their own thoughts, yes control them.

If we want them to be susceptible to predators, either romantically or in a myriad of other ways, then yes control them.

However, if we want them to have a strong inner sense of right and wrong, a strong sense of who they are and be able to withstand the throes of peer pressure and the manipulations of predators then control and authoritarian parenting is not the best option.

But what about rules?

There is nothing wrong with rules. In fact, rules are necessary for much of life–like traffic. But when parenting you want to make sure that your rules

Grow with your children
That your children know that you love them whether or not they follow the rules
Also let them know the reasons behind your rules (it is best if you know that reasons behind the rules, ie don’t do something just because that is the way it has always been done)
Are open to discussion, see above (this would be an age-appropriate activity)
Always be open to communication
Always show love even if there is a disagreement or infraction of the rules

Alternatives to Authoritarian Parenting

There are many parenting styles in the world today. Maureen Campion is a Marriage and Family Counselor. She says that just the fact that we are contemplating parenting is a huge leap from other times (and places) where the focus in necessarily on survival.

There are many buzz words around parenting styles. You may have heard some of them

Gentle Parenting
Attachment Parenting
Intentional Parenting
and more!

When you are thinking about what style works best for your family I would say start with the end results that you want. And then brainstorm and communicate with your partner about how to get that result.