Best Relationship Advice for Teens (and everyone else)
My number one goal as a parent is to raise children with the gift of mental health. Good relationships is a huge part of our mental health. I have noticed that my teens are very focused on building real, authentic relationships but unsure about how to proceed. In this post I share my best relationship advice for teens and everyone else.
Foundation
Modeling is key to learning any great behavior. It is very difficult to learn how to do something if you have never seen it or heard of it before. Sadly great relationships are something that is becoming harder and harder to find. This is why it is so important for you to work on your relationship with your partner. When there is a model in the home, it is easier to identify in the real world. An added bonus is the ability to spot phonies.
So make sure that you are employing these steps in your own relationship.
4 Steps to a Great Relationship
I definitely feel that the best way to have emotional health it to begin with yourself. Sadly, our culture encourages teens (and everyone else) to be numb to their personal experience. To not think of themselves as an individual with specific and unique strengths to nurture; but rather as someone to fit in at all costs. That is why when building a great relationship we need to start with ourselves and really get to know our true self.
- Step 1. Focus on self reflection. You need to learn why you do the things you do. If you have a strong reaction to something, why? If you are struggling, why?
- Step 2. Learn how to share what you are learning about yourself and communicate what you are discovering.
- Step 3. Learn to listen as your partner focuses on their own journey.
- Step 4. Make space and time for growth, this is a continual process.
Focus on Self Reflection
It is so easy to think that the way we do things is the way everyone does it. Perhaps we think that because we believe something to be true it is the right way. But our default should not be that we are always right just because we grew up that way. Rather we should take the default of exploration and discovery.
Note to parents: Luckily teens are all about questioning and exploring. But one thing to beware of is just because something is the current trend in personal identities doesn’t mean that is truly who they or you are.
Let me share a story. My husband and I come from very different cultures. Throughout our relationship we have had to evaluate what is really us, and what is the culture we come from. Things like foods we enjoy, religions we come from and even living situations were all glaringly different. But because they were so different it made it easy for us to see that there is not one way of doing things. We had to learn to first clear away all the cultural baggage and then communicate what we learned which brings us to step 2.
Communicate what you are learning
It is great that you understand where you are coming from. Now it is time to share what you are learning. When you are in a relationship, the ability to communicate is key to longevity.
We had one issue in our relationship that it took me years to figure out why I was having such a negative reaction to something I thought I wanted. During this time I was open with my husband and as I had a breakthrough I would share it with him. He thankfully was patient. Remember this whole process took YEARS. All of these steps are so inter-related it is really about honesty, beginning with our self, communication, time and patience. Now step 3.
Listen
My husband listened as I worked through my issues. He rarely said anything he just gave me the space to share what I was learning about myself. This made it possible for me to feel comfortable to keep learning and exploring. At the same time he was watching the process I was going through. As I was asking questions of myself he often would ask himself those same questions and so we were both developing a more clear idea of who we really are and what we wanted. It is important to not forget step 4.
Make Space to Continue Growing and Learning
Growing and learning is a life long process. Likely issues will continue to come up as we enter each new stage of life. But if you have made a habit of being open and honest with yourself first, then communicate what you are learning and taking time to listen to your partner in their own journey, success is a great spiral of connection.
The Most Important Relationship You will Ever Have
I do not mean to imply that all relationships need to last years and be of the life long variety.
However real, authentic relationships are built with time. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. Steps 1 and 2 will need to be repeated over and over again throughout your lifetime. But in the process, you are discovering a strong sense of self that will thrive.
You are at the stage of life where you are discovering yourself, your dreams and plans yes, but also what makes you authentically you. While quiet time to reflect may not feel like something you are drawn to I encourage you to take these steps now and then over and over again as you walk out your best life.
Great relationships want the individuals to thrive. Beware of anyone who is not willing to take the time to talk and really listen.
Don’t Forget the Community
I do want to note that these steps can be used for any and all relationships. Admittedly it does take a lot out of you, but steps 1 and 2 do not need to be repeated. Once you know yourself and why you react a certain way it will make it easier for you in the relationships with your children, parents, friends, siblings, etc.
